if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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