Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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