I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
