her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
His nipple licking is glorious
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