So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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