i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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