You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
