I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
