is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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