This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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