he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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