see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
