we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
