he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
