Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
