You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
