she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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