you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
