it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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