Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
