she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
