wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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