Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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