my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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