I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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