I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
