I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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