And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
