I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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