I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
