Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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it was like having sex with a tree stump
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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