to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
