her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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