I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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