Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
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Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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