I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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