Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
