All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
