Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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