Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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