the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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