Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
