dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
