I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
