Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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