If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
