Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
