Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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