If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
