There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
