Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
