Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
