im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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