people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
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It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
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I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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