he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
